Couple Counseling
Couple Counseling
Differentiation of Self: An Overview & Why It’s Important in Relationships
Differentiation of self is a psychological state in which someone can maintain their sense of self, identity, thoughts, and emotions when emotionally or physically close with others, particularly within intense or intimate relationships.
What Is Differentiation of Self?
Differentiation of self means separating personal feelings and thoughts from those of partners, friends, or other intimate networks.1 Doing so may sound simple, but this ability is not innate and rarely employed.
For example, emotions like anger, lust, sadness, and jealousy can override thoughts and actions. The higher the level of differentiation, the higher the ability to acknowledge these feelings without becoming misguided by them. The differentiated individual can process and address these feelings while maintaining decision-making or problem-solving skills.
You will not find codependency in a highly differentiated relationship. Instead you will find a relationship built on interdependence. A differentiated partnership consists of two solid individuals with their thoughts, opinions, feelings, and beliefs and a mutual appreciation for those of their partner.
Differentiation of Self in Relationships
Our level of differentiation is highly dependent on our family of origin. We are all born reliant on a caregiver and their emotional cues, nourishment, and state of mind as our sole means of suistanment. Therefore, we find ourselves in a state of “fusion” when entagling our emotions and reactions with others.1
Conversely, “cut-off” is the opposite of fusion and the propensity to disengage.1 Sometimes, this disengagement is obvious, like moving across the country and limiting contact. Other times, cut-off can happen within the same household. For instance, a couple is physically together but lack intimacy or closeness.
Differentiation is about maintaining individuality within the structure of intimacy. Highly differentiated individuals learn these skills independently. Unless people are lucky enough to be raised by caregivers with high levels of differentiation, patterns developed in childhood continue and transmit to the next generation. Instead, differentiation grows through conscious effort.
How to Measure Your Level of Differentiation
You can often determine your level of differentiation by exploring your behaviors.
Differentiated individuals view themselves separately from their partners, taking responsibility for their own actions, feelings, and beliefs.
Below are questions to ask yourself to determine your level of differentiation:
• Do you always see your partner as the problem?
• Do you mostly work on letting go of problems rather than solving them?
• Do you let feelings fester until they explode?
• Do you feel pulled to match your partner’s emotional state, such as when they’re in anger, crisis, or sadness?
• Do you conceal how you really feel about things?
• Do you console yourself through substances or other unhelpful methods?
• Do you say what you know others want to hear?
• Do you talk to your friends about your relationship problems instead of your partner?
• Do you have affairs?
• Do you lose yourself in your partner?
• Do you have sex you no longer want?
• Do you agree to things you have no interest in doing?
• Do you demand, directly or indirectly, compliments and praise?
• Do you seek to control others instead of controlling yourself?
• Do you concern yourself with the needs of others but disregard your own?
Differentiated individuals tend to answer “no” to these questions. While these questions are not diagnostic of you specifically, they do tend to be diagnostic of undifferentiated behaviors, which may help give you a sense of where on the spectrum you may hover.
Common Characteristics of Differentiated Individual
Differentiated individuals often engage in shared core skills and behaviors. Those skills develop over time and through conscious effort. Some may achieve these characteristics in childhood, while others learn independently from caregivers.
Here are some typical characteristics of differentiated individuals:
1. Solid Sense of Self
Differentiated individuals can maintain their beliefs and attitudes in the face of pressure to conform. They do not tailor themselves to avoid conflict. They are usually fairly good at managing these situations and prefer others to see them accurately.
2. Seeking Understanding Rather Than Agreement
Differentiated individuals do not typically keep the peace for the sake of peace. These people resolve problems rather than let them fester. They expect their partners to behave similarly, even if they do not see things eye-to-eye.
3. Ability to Self-Validate
A hallmark of differentiation is self-validation. Most often, we seek validation from others based on how we look, live our lives, or think. Someone dependent on external validation may tailor and tweak themselves to the person or the situation. This behavior inevitably leaves them feeling empty.
While validation feels nice, differentiated individuals do not depend on others for their worth. They only want validation based on their true selves. However, they know people will not always agree or approve—and they feel just fine with that.
4. Ability to Self-Soothe
Differentiated individuals do not self-soothe with substances, reliance on their partners, or unhealthy coping mechanisms. They do not expect others to help with everyday anxieties around difficult conversations, authenticity, or conflict. They possess an ability to manage and tolerate difficult feelings.
5. Tolerating Short-Term Pain for Long-Term Growth
Differentiated individuals are willing to take on short-term discomfort for personal or relationship growth. People without this willingness often feel stagnant in therapy as they invest in maintaining the status quo rather than tackling short-term anxiety, pain, or discomfort. Differentiation of self moves you forward.